Recovery: A Not-So-Straight Line
May is Mental Health Awareness Month, and if you know my story, you know why this topic is something I feel incredibly connected to. Recovery is anything but a straight line. It’s curved, it's up, it’s down, it’s all around.
It’s a lifelong journey where you choose yourself over and over again.
When I was 15 years old I began to abuse drugs and alcohol. I always felt a hole inside me - an emptiness - and when I discovered drugs and alcohol, I began to feel complete. I felt more able to connect with people, more open and well, less alone. As a teenager, it kept me from processing the hard things that I truly needed to process. But the truth was, I was using these things as a crutch and a band-aid to keep me from really facing the things going on inside me and around me.Nevertheless, I was content with my bandaid and time and time again, patched myself up by abusing drugs and alcohol.
In my twenties I started having health issues, which came to a head when I began having seizures. I realized then I had become physically addicted to Xanax and was now having withdrawal seizures. I had lost control and I couldn't help myself.
I decided to ask for help.
I went through an outpatient, started therapy and after, sought out a new community in yoga. Eventually, I realized all my changes within did not match my surroundings and left a 6 year relationship and moved from LA to New York to get my Masters at Parsons, where a year later I launched my company Pildora, a curated shop for conscious health, beauty and self-care.
I wish I could say from there it was all perfect, however, like I said, it’s never a straight line. My years in New York were beautiful and tough as I worked to figure out just who I was. But honestly, we never stop evolving.
Recovery isn’t always easy - it’s a lifelong journey where you choose you and your life over and over again. Everyday I wake up and I choose to be happy. I choose my thoughts and thus my reality. This past year has pushed me, like it has all of us, in positive and negative ways, and I realize now more than ever that the work is never complete.
As my journey continues, I realize it’s time to once and for all rip off the bandages and to do the work. Addiction goes way beyond just drinking or taking drugs, it’s about dealing with the pain that hid beneath the addiction.
Yes I have suffered with addiction, but what came before and with? Pain. There is no shame in feeling pain, depression and being human. Many of us experience this and it's absolutely normal, what is not normal sometimes is how we choose to deal with those emotions. Which is why, it’s so important to have those conversations and eliminate the stigma around mental health. If we can connect and communicate, we are on the right path to eliminating the fear and loneliness so many people, including myself, have felt in our pain.
I hope in sharing my story now and through my platforms I can bring light to the topic of addiction and mental health to help others heal and continue the conversation that needs to be had.
Today, and everyday I choose me.
I choose to create the life I want to live and I choose to do the work. This month, I challenge you to focus on where you can do the work for yourself, and others in your life when it comes to mental health. As always I am here for you.
Written by Christina rae